Cringeworthy one liners !
*I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
* So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said, "You're
closest".
* You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.
* The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?"
* So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
* I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".
* So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?" I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
* So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He
said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
* But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to
packmyself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
* So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.
* So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for
an a-ROMATIC Duck".
* You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.
* So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".
* So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
* He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
* Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example -Goran,
even he's a witch.
* And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
* So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?"
* Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi? get out! We don't want
your type in here"
* A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar the barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"
* A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in
here"
* A dyslexic man walks into a bra
* A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"
* A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."
* A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
* Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny
to you?"
* Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
* A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
"Can I help, sir?". "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
* Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
"Aaaaaaagghhhh!" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing
on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
* He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of you trouser legs and
put it in a library." I thought "That's a turnup for the books."
* And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money at him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said
"Yes, this is my livelihood."
* So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
* You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that was nice.
* So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice
cream. He said "Hundreds & thousands?". I said "We'll start with one." He
said "Knickerbocker glory?" I said "I do get a certain amount of freedom in
these trousers, yes."
* So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My
dog died."
* Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said to
me "get out of the filing cabinet."
* So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's
speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
* So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming
baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."
* So I rang up a local building firm and I said "I want to have a skip
outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."
* Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or it could be my younger brother Ho Cha Chu. But I
think it's Colin.
* So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up
a third time and said "You're now managing director." And I went into a
tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I
careered off the road.
* A cannibal and his young son went out hunting for dinner.While hiding in
the bushes, a skinny little guy walks down the trail,the son says"how bout
him dad?"The father says"no,no meat on him".A while later a big fat guy
comes strolling down the trail.The son says ,"how bout that one,dad?"The
father says,"no,too much fat on him ,it's not good for you".Then a beautiful
young girl comes down the trail.The son "says how bout her dad?"The father
says,"we'll take her home and eat mommy".
* Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of the season" Saint Peter said, " you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day" The
first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked
it on. " It represents a holy candle," he said. " You may pass through the
pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and
pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" Saint
Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started
searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of
women's panties. " What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked. The man
replied, "They're Carols"
* The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big
white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and
said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just
thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!" The
Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to
die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto
and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create
enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure,
Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do
anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his
drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and
claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the
eye and says,... "Nothin', but you left your Injun running"!
*My wife's filing for divorce because I threw a trifle in her face - she thinks she'll get custody
*I'm going to Hawaii in the summer, there's a music festival there" "Oh really? Are you going to Honolulu?" "No, I'm more of a Kate Bush fan myself
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